Only Now

It is my last evening at the COTN Casa in the Dominican Republic. I am soaking in the opportunity to process all that my eyes have taken in during the past weeks. There is always so much to learn from the generous people I meet in-country.

For instance, I am amazed by the way they manage to find blessing in distress. There is great need in distress, but perhaps the pure recognition of "need" is a blessing. The pressure of relying on one's self is not even an option. For so many other cultures, this seems to be a given. But, I find that for me and many others, as an American, we have somehow lost the ability to recognize the blessing in need. As if, "having stuff" numbs the reality of our greatest needs.

During the past two weeks- for the first time in my life- I seem to have begun to understand the detriment of self-reliance- especially with regards to my faith. For instance, the following statements pertaining to living as a Christian are all statements beginning with "I:"

• I need to...
• I should...
• I shouldn't...

They are statements of behavior modification which place the responsibility on the Christian- not Christ. As a result, the above statements negate the very miraculous thing which Christians profess Christ has accomplished for us.

The Christian believes:

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life that I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." II Cor 12:9

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36: 25-27

If these statements are true, it is not a matter of I, Jody, doing or not doing or needing or performing anything to be a Christian, to be loved by Christ. I am not the focus of the Christian life- Christ is the focus. "It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Phil 2:13).

I no longer need to love others well (a noble Christian act). I no longer need to forgive or surrender or give or sacrifice (all noble actions of a Christian). I no longer need to live FOR Christ!

The beauty, the miracle, the perfection of the Christian life is that no one need live for Christ. That would suggest He needs us, that the Creator needs the creation. Rather, as one who trusts that Christ has given me a righteousness that I couldn't accomplish on my own, and who has accepted the gift of His Spirit, He only asks that I live FROM him.

I am beginning to believe that one of the greatest, most damning tragedies in history is the misunderstanding of this truth.

Personally, I have exhausted myself living for him, always trying to do more and to do it better. Yet the Bible continually speaks about the Christian life being a life of rest and peace. Let's be honest- anyone trying to live for God will never be at rest. Well, we may take a sabbatical or a long weekend... However, until we recognize that God never intended for us to do His work for him, we will never experience the freedom for which Christ gave his life.

And, for my dear friends who have not trusted Christ- I can only apologize that we Christians have not rightly represented what he offers.

Trusting Christ is not "asking Jesus to forgive your sins." Rather, it's trusting that through the cross He already has. Then, it's continuing to learn to lean into him to finish what he starts in your life.

Behavior modification is so B.C. Don't sell short what Jesus has done by focusing on what you need to give up. Lean into him and as I can attest, your desires will naturally begin to look more like his- not by force of changed behavior.

It has taken me 29 years to realize this truth. I have been a performing Christian for most of my life. I can't express how much I am looking forward to the next 29 years as a free Christian.

Recommended Reading: (I have not gotten through all of these yet...)
Grace Walk by Steve McVey
Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
The Rest of the Gospel by Greg Smith

Photographs from Haiti

Distributing bread to a camp.

Distributing bread to a camp.

A church building

From the window of the van.

Women waiting in line for food.

Holy Hades!

Holy Hades (as in Hay-deez)! I had a Fiery Furnace Experience last night.

Immediately upon arriving at the Children of the Nations Casa (mission house) in the Dominican Republic, I fell asleep to the loud hum of the A/C unit in my room. The air was cool and it agitated my lingering chest cold a bit, but it was so welcome.

In the middle of the night it stopped. The hum stopped, the coughing stopped… the cold air stopped. Enter Fiery Furnace. Of course, to keep a fire ablaze would have been a supernatural feat, as the air in my room was holding strong to it’s 110% humidity …directly above me… around me… on me.

Finally, I peeled myself out of my pool of a bed to replenish my own hydration, which had now been fully sapped into the Casa air. I wandered through the hall, down the stairs and around to the water machine. Since I may have forgotten to pack pajamas, I was sporting a black dress and praying the married couple in the room next to me would not be on the same late-night trek for water.

As I wandered by the light of my iphone, I considered the newest iphone App- the H20 App- a mapping device which would lead one to the nearest source of drinking water.

The water machine at the Casa didn’t even see me coming. I grabbed a plastic cup, filled it and drank like I was at mile 24 of a marathon. I basically dumped it on my face and slurped in anything that came near my now-swollen tongue. Cup after cup I drank… and one for the road.

After my dousing myself at the water machine, I headed back up to my bed with all notions of healthy and safety far removed. I decided I would grasp at my last hope- that the outside Caribbean air would be even one degree cooler than my sauna, my personal Bikraims studio if you will. The air was, indeed, a full ½ degree cooler. In my daze, I jumped at the opportunity to sleep with the door open to the outside world. Somehow, the mere possibility of creating air movement in my room trumped the risk of anything (tarantula, bat, etc.) or anyone (thief?) entering my room during the night.

By the time the loud jolt of the generator started to sound in the morning, I was up and standing with my finger on the A/C unit on/off button, ready to usher the manufactured air back into my room and lungs. Alas, it happened. The gates of Hades opened and the cool breeze of the Sunbeam window unit entered and with it’s breath came the best hours of sleep I have ever had.

Where is God?

This morning I listened to two accounts of the immediate devastation from the earthquake in Haiti- one from a doctor who spent 87 of her first 90 hours on the ground in surgery and another from one of our COTN Venture staff who was on the ground coordinating medical teams.

Rubble, war zone, guillotine amputations, children crushed by buildings, brutal injuries, hopelessness. These were the words I heard over and over. Finally, Brandon, who has served with COTN for over a decade, said, “Where was God?”

I know the feeling- I know the question all too well. When things seem at there worst- when anguish seems to triumph over joy or even life, where is God?

I have been on the two-year plan to read through the Bible. As I enter year two, I have come to David’s psalms. I am so grateful to have first read through I and II Samuel, which tell so much about the life of this great king. The psalms are David’s expression of his joy, his adoration for a God he knows intimately, his celebration of life, his commitment to the righteous law, his confidence in his covenant with God, his remembrance of the faithfulness of God, his pain, his anguish, his suffering, his loneliness. The Bible, like few others books has the unmatched ability to so accurately account the condition of the human heart in all of its states.

Here is what is incredible and unique about both David and Brandon and any other person who knows God- in the face of hopelessness faith has something, even when it doesn’t.

Frequently, David will cry out in anguish for reprieve, for justice, for mercy. Don’t turn your face from me, hear me, listen to my prayer, save me, answer me… David cries these words time and again (I know because I have been underlining each time he does.)

In Psalms 13 David cries out, “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” I once heard a man pose this question, “Where do you turn when the God you serve abandons you?" The answer? To the God you serve.

The tragedy in Haiti can only remind us again that things in this world are not as they should be- and we cannot control or save ourselves from that which may come, that which does come each day.

But, let us not be mistaken, the question, “Where is God?” is far from the anti-theistic claims of Nietzsche when he suggests that God is dead. Rather, it is an honest question that has an answer.

Just as David concludes Psalms 13 with, “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me,” already, we have seen great hope for many of the children in Haiti and the Dominican Republic.

I was so grateful to hear Brandon continue his account of his time in-country. “But there was hope, too. We eventually took our teams and a group of children back to the COTN casa. Imagine if you were a child who had survived an earthquake, spent several nights in a refuge camp, had lost a limb, and now you found yourself on a helicopter with a bunch of white people taking you to a new context, away from the chaos of the situation.”

In just a matter of weeks, nearly 100 American surgeons, nurses, physical therapists, trauma counselors and other medical professionals have had the opportunity to be a part of answering the prayers of these children.

God is very much alive and present. He hears the cries of his children, and He answers them. He is loving, merciful, compassionate, good, and righteous. If only we would turn to him more often.

The Road to Mtsiliza (12.29.05)

I have begun the great task of organizing my photographs and journal entries from the past six years since my first trip to Africa with Children of the Nations. Revisiting each memory has brought me immeasurable joy and gratitude for the great things that God has done in my own life, as well as the lives of so many children. That is all He asks- that we love Him and forget not His goodness to us.

For those of you who have been before, I am confident that you will recognize the road I speak of, it is a road that exists in so many villages, so many countries.

The smokey scent of Africa assures me that I am home. Wide eyes and opened mouths sound off "azungu" as I bounce on my way down the dirt path. There is no tarmac on the road to Mtsiliza- just dust and rock throwing itself behind the van. It's no wonder why vehicles fall apart so quickly . Each jolt and twist in the deep ruts of the path loosens the bearings until I am sure I will arrive with one less wheel.

After a short time of winding through the bicycles and people and village dogs I come to the final stretch. I love this finale. Children from all the surrounding houses run to the edge of the road, both hands waving straight in front, eyes ablaze wanting just a glimpse, just a smile before they give way to their irresistable giggles. I am always sad to have to continue from this point.

My arrival at Faith Academy offers me a similar experience. As my foot begins to hit the ground little knees are buckling in excitement all around me. I am surrounded by tiny toes covered in clay soon to leave their marks on my dress! My only trouble at this point is deciding which little one to swoop down and steal for a moment. If only I could know each one by name!

Runny noses, stained and filthy clothes, sores- the whole package melts my heart. The beauty of heaven held in the smile of each child. This is what my heart loves when I am here and misses when I am gone. The little ones of Malawi are thieves in the day, stealing my heart each time I am here.

Whose are You?

“Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless. Everything in meaningless, said King Solomon, the wisest man in the world. (Ecclesiastes 1-2)

I have been reading through the Patriarchs of the Old Testament- you have probably heard their names read aloud or said in a very serious or perhaps very charismatic prayer. “The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…” Interestingly, none of them were men you would particularly want your son(s) to emulate in many areas of life. However, just after Jacob came his son, Joseph, the one with the technicolor coat, and it was Joseph who was honorable.

Joseph always made the honorable choice. Yet, he was sold into slavery by his brothers, seduced and wrongly accused by his bosses’ wife and forgotten in prison for several years. Still, he rises to the occasion and eventually turns Egypt into the wealthiest nation around. (If you were born after 1985 and didn’t get to see the flannel graph version in Sunday school check out the story in Genesis 37-50).

Like most people, Joseph eventually died and the very first chapter of the very next book of the Bible, Exodus, begins with this:

“Then a new king, who did now know about Joseph, came to power in Egypt…” (Ex 1:8)

Immediately, the Israelites, Joseph’s people are put into slavery. The years of Joseph’s hard work, the years of honorable decisions and integrity are forgotten- meaningless.

I have been reading and considering this for the past several weeks. Those who know me well know my absolutely love for what I do, my “work.” Really, can there be too much time, too much energy put into rescuing and raising orphaned children? I never would have thought so. As a result, I stretch every hour- no, every minute, to pack in the most, to check off, to complete, and to be the most efficient. Our Dominican pastora, Malou, calls me a “good little gringa.”

Western culture has engrained in us “Carpe Diem,” or seize the day! Capture every moment. Rid your work place, your home and yourself of any “dead space.” Yet, the reality is I am seized, I am captured and my spirit is dying.

For 20 minutes this afternoon I took a cup of tea and stood overlooking the Olympic Mountains from Poulsbo, Washington. I stood silent and let the brisk Northwest air mix with the sun and hit my face. I listened to my own breath. I listened to the clanging and dinging of the sail boat masts and other marina noises.

It’s amazing how silence can be the very grounds from which we learn to be humble and watchful, from which we are reminded that very little is about us. Silence can “break our addiction to self-absorption and self-avoidance.”

Silence for the sake of silence still qualifies as meaningless to me. However, silence for the sake of allowing God to speak, to reveal, or to just be is anything but meaningless. It is the point in which something we deem to empty becomes so full. It is the point in which we see ourselves most honestly- “not in light of who we are, but in light of whose we are” (Isaac Hunter).

Twenty minutes of silence reassured me of the truthful answer for the question of meaning, for purpose, in my life.

Joseph and his many successes were forgotten. However, nearly 450 years later he is remembered. Moses remembers Joseph’s faith in God to come to the aid of the Israelites and bring them out of Egypt. Per Joseph’s request over 400 years earlier, his bones are taken out of Egypt.

At age 28, I continue to grow in my understanding that my meaning is not found in what I do; rather, it is wholly and completely found in whose I am. And, more than often it takes moments or hours or days of silence and solitude to once again grasp that reality.

Out of Solitude by Henri Nouwen
The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence

Apart From Him

It’s funny, I thought about writing this blog weeks ago as I was spending a wonderful week in Aruba. I call it my week with Jesus. Christian or not- you would agree that spending a week in Aruba is close to spending a week in heaven. It was. I had seven full days of sleeping in late, long walks to the sandy white beach with my Ravi podcasts, sipping pina coladas, eating delicious food, and spending afternoons with my dear friend, Angela.

I was so refreshed, so encouraged, so rejuvenated to carry on in the daily challenges of life. My first thought is to say the daily challenges of my work with COTN, but the more important challenges which we all face are those of our own walk with God- our “personal holiness,” as I recently heard it described.

If that sounds a little weird- don’t give up reading quite yet!

If you’ve read this far you know me well enough to know where I stand with my faith- I believe Jesus is the hope of all men and has for us a purpose greater than ourselves, a purpose that in itself gives us meaning for life.

So, back to my time in Aruba. Without Internet access and a cell phone I had several days to consider my personal holiness. It was quite easy to see the truth- spending endless hours with God brought about all that He says it will- peace, joy, hope, love, purpose… I can sum it up by saying that by giving God space in my life, I reaped the richness of knowing Him more.

Psalms 63 is, in fact, true:

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you:
My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
And beheld your power and your glory.
Because you love is better than life,
My lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
And in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
With singing lips my mouth will praise you.

I left completely convinced, fully reminded that apart from Him I have nothing- no purpose, no joy, no peace… I will spare you the theological backing to that statement. (Check out Ravi Zacharias podcasts to hear it eloquently communicated.) Nevertheless, being reminded of who God actually is and what He has done for me gave me great confidence to face the daily grind of things to come.

I was sure I was on my way to personal holiness… and for a few days I could only dream of being back in Aruba and having ample time to bask in the presence of God and learn more about Him… but, here I am two weeks later and I took much of today to spend time with Him and I have not yet cracked my Bible or any other book or podcast that will serve to refresh my soul. Well, except for the three episodes of The Office that I watched earlier.

Speaking with a friend tonight, we found we could both come up with the “church answers.” You know, if you don’t know the answer, just say “Jesus.” There are so many “church answers” for life's questions! And, honestly, many of the answers are true. However, we have heard than so many times or we have heard them communicated in such a manner that the impact and the validity of the answer loses something along the way.

For example:
Question: How do I remain focused on God?
Church Answer: Read your Bible, pray, go to church…
Truth within Answer: God is a person. Spend time with Him and the more you know the
omnipotent, omniscient, all-good God, the more you will love Him and the more you will
remain focused on Him.

The how is often times so much easier than the implementation of the how. I stepped off of the plane from Aruba back into the self-imposed captivity of my Outlook calendar. Want to know what I am doing in July 2009? I can tell you.

What good is access to the throne of God if we are too busy to pay Him a visit, let alone if we are too busy to sit, to dwell there? If we drive by and never stop? I fully believe that Jesus is who He said He is. I truly believe that apart from Him there is no hope, no life. Again, small words with much meaning. I wonder if the Church, or maybe just if I, lived each day accordingly what change that would bring about in me and what change that would bring about in a very hurting world.

I am realizing more and more that I cannot afford not to live accordingly.

The greatest thing that I, or you, can offer kids in Africa, your friends, spouse, fellow staff... is our personal holiness. And, I am learning more and more just how much it matters to God- he does not desire most the work that I do- even if it involves orphans in Africa- he desires me. can I get a witness? Mmmhhh... (that was my charismatic groan of agreement)

This blog has been posted so that you can know this struggle in my life- a Christian for many years, a missionary— but can also be assured that after so many years I am still thoroughly convinced that there is no greater joy than to know Christ more.

And, all this started in a manger 2009 years ago.

Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
His paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been His counselor?
Who has ever give to God that God should repay him?
For from him and through Him and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36)

Recommended Listening:
Ravi Zacharias podcasts – a bit more intellectual
Andy Stanley podcasts – great truths in plain English
Isaac Hunter podcasts – great truths from a wise (and entertaining) man